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Emotions & Experiences
The Designer's Intent
There are so many myths, misconceptions, and poor representations of what marriage should truly look like and how it was created to function. The weight of every relationship, romantic or otherwise, is measured by how much glory it gives to the Father.
A creation is at it's optimum when it doesn't deviate one iota from the designer's intent.
The construct of marriage is a representation of Christ and His bride. It is not man-made, although man-manipulated. We will not speak to what people have made marriage to be, we will speak to what God designed it to be. Some people seem to automatically take offense to statements like those. We want our readers and supporters to know that we love and accept ALL, but love doesn't mean approval or agreeance. Love is acceptance, an outpour of care and tenderness. Love also sharpens. The only caveat is this: you have to be willing to accept it.
Fill in the Blanks
Truth doesn't hinge on our belief system. It is invariable, it is absolute. So despite what our experiences and emotions may tell us, the Truth cannot lie. I took a fiction writing class in college. It taught me so much about form. I also had the chance to read from writers who truly impacted me. The most inspiring memory I have was learning about the gray area between fiction and non-fiction. It's funny how you can never truly remember exactly how a thing happened. There are some details you can't forget, they are etched in your mind, and others you fill in. You can't help but fill in the blanks. You have to fill in the blanks to make the story work.
“I want you to feel what I felt. I want you to know why story-truth is truer sometimes than happening-truth.”
― Tim O'Brien, The Things They Carried
Vain Imaginations
Our emotions lie to us sometimes and so do our experiences. Sometimes they work in tandem to derail us. Vain imaginations are at the root of every case of adultery, every lie we perpetuate, every fit of rage, every suicidal thought.
The Bible speaks to those vain imaginations in 2 Corinthians 10:3-6
3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: 4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) 5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; 6 And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.
I love the Message translation:
“The world is unprincipled. It’ a dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn’t fight fair. But we don’t live or fight our battles that way-never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren’t for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.”
Unrealistic expectations and an improper or impractical view of marriage only set our hearts up to be torn apart. This verse is a great reference point for how to combat the lies that try to force themselves into the position of truth. First, we know though we are flesh, we don’t walk according to our desires or our emotions. The eyes and ears we have must be tuned into Heaven's frequency. We become stronger and stronger in battle the more we cast down lies and exalt the truth.
Guard your heart and mind. Speak life. Know God. Let Christ rule.
This may sound really churchy. But it’s practical: Don’t repeat or think about what you know God isn’t saying, what you know isn’t in his word.
What Kel and I hope to accomplish through Mitch and Gunner is to simply impact and empower people to build and sustain meaningful relationships. Which is impossible without the help and guidance of The Holy Spirit. We may convince ourselves we’re alright, but truly, apart from Him, we can do nothing. All of it is worthless without Him.
A Common Denominator
We’ve found the common denominator in relationships failing or not reaching their greatest potential is the perpetuation of vain imaginations (lie, falsehood, preconceived notions, unrealistic expectations) and painful past experiences.
We’d like to encourage you to forget what isn’t profitable for you and remember the goodness of God and rejoice in being alive! Let your gratitude push you into the arms of the Father and out of the prison of your negative emotions. Yes, it will be challenging and uncomfortable, but the fruit, the crown, the eternal gift is all worth it! We’ll walk through these topics in more detail in the coming months and are so thankful to have you along for the ride!
A Poem by Morgan
So Much in a Name
I’ve thought long and hard about hyphenating my last name. I’ve loved being an Osborne. It’s cool. It’s what I’ve been my whole life. But now, I’m an Mbadugha. That means something different. I’m ingrafted. Some women have their businesses attached to their names, others are the only child their parents had and want to carry on the lineage in some capacity. Others just really like their last name! Mbadugha is not an addendum. It’s not an attachment at the end of who I am. It is my legacy. Yes it is cumbersome to pronounce. Especially for Texans. Yes, there are lots consonants. But I’m okay with that. It doesn’t sound how it looks. But neither do I. Sometimes I want to write it phonetically. Just to help people. But it doesn’t work most times. My point is this, I take pride and ownership in carrying my husband’s name. I’m not losing anything. I’m gaining. That’s so cool. Just like coming into the kingdom. My old nature is gone. I’m completely new. I don’t want any epithet attached to the old me.
Don’t misconstrue what I’m saying. Osborne is lovely. But to be fair, it takes a lot of letters to hyphenate my name and I really don’t have time for all that!
My aim is not to sway anyone or guilt you for your name choice. You are free in Christ! Just thought I’d share my journey.
What Would You Do For Love?
The story of Hosea and Gomer is rarely shared. It is gold. It is the gospel. Take some time to meditate on not only what you are willing to do and sacrifice for your spouse, but for the kingdom of God.
Take a moment to watch this video and comment with your thoughts!
Rejection
Sin is Sneaky
Before we got married, some good friends of ours gave us the book His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. When you’re bright-eyed and bushy tailed, punch drunk in love, you don’t think for one moment, you will need safeguards to protect against infidelity. You are the sole object of one another’s affection. But sin is sneaky. It overtakes us often because of it’s subtlety. While you may not entertain a physical adulterous relationship, your soul may be tugged on by a litany of temptations. The heart wants what it wants. All through scripture, the implications of matters of the heart are pretty weighty. The bible doesn’t speak of the heart in a conventional sense, but in a way that likens it to the soul. Here are a few scriptures on the heart, meditate on them when you get a moment.
1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
1 Timothy 1:5 The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.
Romans 2:5 But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed.
Psalm 26:2 Prove me, O Lord, and try me; test my heart and my mind.
Romans 1:21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.
Acts 8:22 Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you.
Romans 10:10 For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.
Psalm 112:7 He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 119:10 With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!
Psalm 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Acts 28:27 For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed; lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.’
Hebrews 10:22 Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
2 Timothy 2:22 So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
Romans 10:9-10 Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.
Good Heart-Keeping
The heart is the center of our being, dictating our decisions, relationships, and perspective of the world around us. The posture of our hearts is a direct reflection of our view of the Father. God is completely holy, good, and right. He cannot tempt us. The word says it is our sinful desires that tempt us and lead us astray. (James 1:13) The Lord gives us a new heart when we choose to follow him and he makes his home there. (Ephesians 3:17) Is he a welcome guest in your heart? Does he feel comfortable there? Or did you forget you had a heart transplant? Have you returned back to your folly like the dog returns to his vomit? (Proverbs 26:11) Have you gone back to the thing you have been delivered from for comfort or peace, or some shred of solace? Is there lust and greed and deceit taking up space, crowding Jesus out of his own home? Has your heart become a dwelling place for jealousy or envy or pride? Does fear kick it’s feet up and recline on the throne of your heart? Not too sure? Well here’s a great test: out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45) So what kind of words do you use to talk to your spouse? What habits have you formed as a result of the position of your heart? Everything starts there. The word says the issues of life flow from it. (Proverbs 4:23)
The Whole Reason You're Reading This
Now let’s get to the whole reason you’re reading this in the first place. As a husband or wife you’re probably waiting to read the part about being denied attention, sex, affection, respect, honor, etc. As a single you’ve probably bought into the lie of rejection only being a part of your singleness. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Within the safety of your marriage, because your spouse is not equipped to meet your every need and because more often than not, you’ve been given one with a love language completely different than yours, there will often be room for a disconnect.
You will find yourself wondering, on numerous occasions, if you made a mistake, if you married the right person. It is the Father’s heart for you, through every point of contention, every disagreement and every argument to learn more about his character. He is always wanting to reveal something new about himself to you with the hopes that you will be more aware of your great need of him.
3 Fail-Proof Steps
Here’s what that looks like practically. When your needs are not being met by your spouse you have a responsibility to do these things.
- Assess whether or not this is a need to be met by your spouse or by God
- Think about if you have been diligent in fulfilling your partner’s needs through THEIR love languages
- Bring your concerns to the Father in prayer FIRST, then to your spouse in a loving, strategic way.
These steps are paramount because most times we project negative emotions on our spouse as a result of not spending enough time with the father. Infidelity comes into a marriage the moment we stop allowing God to be everything for us and to us. The Lord should be the center of your world, intimacy with Him must be of the utmost importance. That way, whatever your spouse gives you is just icing on the cake. You don’t go into a depressive state when they don’t do things in the way you would like for them to be done. Thinking about your responsibility in any situation is a display of humility. Own your part. Give the love you would like to receive. Go overboard with lavishing your spouse with love in their respective love language. Lay it on thick. Even if they don’t receive it well, even if you don’t immediately see fruit, even if it feels awkward or unwarranted. It’s not your job to dictate what your spouse deserves. It’s your job to honor him/her. The Holy Spirit guides us into all truth. Always. Sometimes our frustrations reveal a deficit in our souls that can only be filled by God. Once you’ve identified your issue and brought it to the Father. Repent to Him and then to your spouse. Once you’ve apologized for your part, even if you don’t totally believe you’re at fault, your spouse will be much more apt to opening up and hearing your heart’s desires so the two of you can move toward common ground.
Disclaimer: You WILL Need the Lord
This is not easy. You WILL need the Lord. You must inundate yourself with the word, you must ask the Lord to examine you. Marriage doesn’t work without humility. It’s easy to be loyal to someone you know will always give you the benefit of the doubt and is always doing what they can to make sure you are taken care of. Find peace in knowing you can care for your spouse with a pure heart out of the overflow of how the Father cares for you.
He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart.
- Isaiah 40:11
Humility in Marriage
We thought it fitting to share our hearts in this first video on the topic of humility. A topic of which, there will be much more talk! We believe it is an important component of any successful relationship. We are transparent, goofy and very honest. We had to do a lot of clipping and trimming to the video but it is pretty unfiltered. This is us. Enjoy, leave any comments, and head over to our contact tab if you'd like to book a session or consultation!
Wait and See
Do you remember the first time you introduced him as your husband? Do you remember how sweet that word felt coming out of your mouth? Do you remember dreaming of waking up beside him? Do you remember that small void you felt every time you had to say goodnight before you went back to your separate worlds, your separate beds, your separate lives? Do you remember how much you longed to become one?
We were engaged nearly 2 years before we got married. As hard as that was for the both of us, we knew the Lord was preparing us, and I'm so thankful He did. We both waited for Him to speak a specific date to us. THE date. A lot of people thought it was silly. They thought we should just jump the broom already. But we knew, once we had that date, we couldn't be talked out of it, we wouldn't let it go. We had to fight for our marriage before we ever said, "I do." That fight, that tenacity, that endurance, has made our covenant firm, rooted, untouchable.
Abstinence was hard. I'd be lying if I said we never slipped. We did. Although we were always quick to repent, I spent some days being really upset with God. Why would he hold something so beautiful back from me? Why would he make it so impossible to get married? Why would he have us in the same holding pattern for so long? We had been dating for almost 6 years. Why wasn't it time yet?
Photo by: Gisele Parra
I get it now, in the thick of marriage. Your wait time is knitting together a tapestry of testimonies, experiences, and lessons. It also gives your love the chance to grow. You're less apt to forget the battle when you have the scars. We have many love scars. They adorn us. We have been decorated in battle. No, I'm not giving this up. Never. I was given a fulfilled prophecy. I have journals filled with God's promises, His words, His admonishments, and correction. We have sweat and blood equity already invested in this thing. We will not forget.
Everything you dreamed of, prayed for, imagined, is now yours. Keep it sweet. Let it be everything God planned it to. Remember you are one, remember to kiss one another, remember to thank one another, remember to be present. Be patient in the process. The both of you are growing, and it's always nice to have someone who will suffer alongside you, and help ease the tension instead of add to it. Be patient with one another, be patient with yourselves.
Photo by: Anzeo David
We tend to hang our heads low when the Lord tells us to wait. As if it is a punishment. As if it is the kind of wait we receive from a doctor pending test results, or the wait the bank gives us after we apply for a loan. We sit on the edge of our seats, wracked with anxiety, expecting the worst. Burdened by the passing time, believing the longer the wait, the less likely we'll receive the answer we want.
Friends, God's wait isn't like that at all. God's wait is a, "Wait and see the suprise I have for you, close your eyes, and don't open until I say so." When your eyes are closed, your sense of hearing is heightened. Faith comes by hearing, and we walk by faith and not by sight.
Trust Him. His surprises are always the best.
"In your patience, possess your souls."
Luke 21:19
The Mbadugha's
Let Him Earn You.
Let him earn you
Make him wait
Make him hungry
Become an asset
Be irresistibly you
Let him love you
But first, show him how rewarding loving you is
Before he ever lays a finger on you,
Let him learn your intricacies
You are delicate
You are not to be devoured, but treasured
Let him earn you,
Let him win you,
Let him know you're worth keeping.
- MORGAN NICHOL
We Will Fail
"Shout that the people are like the grass. Their beauty fades as quickly as the flowers in a field...the grass withers and the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever."
- Isaiah 40:6-8
We will fail one another. We are finite. God will not fail you, he may surprise or upset your expectations. But He cannot fail. You may become frustrated when placing pressure or standards on your spouse. They are only equipped to handle a little, God is equipped to carry it all. Yield to Him and submit your will. Your spouse is God's responsibility.
A Wild Pursuit
I've yet to take on any other task as daunting as marriage. This constitution, this covenant, shatters all expectations. Marriage is a wild pursuit. It's a rollercoaster. It is the most painful, most beautiful experience. It is a picture of Christ's burning love and affection for his bride.
Much of marriage is comprised of other duties as assigned. It becomes second nature to operate on the same frequency with your spouse when you resign yourself to this simple fact, we are in one another’s lives to make them easier, more meaningful, more fruitful. I am not in my husband’s life to coddle him, to mother or nag him, to make excuses or concessions for him. I am here to augment his life, to make him better, to assess myself and acknowledge God in the process.
Marriage is work. It is more than a full-time job because it takes up every day of the rest of your life! Don’t get me wrong, you will have room and time for yourself. But your spouse becomes an extension of you, a vital organ tethered to your being. You no longer act on your own volition, you recognize more and more your desperate need for the Holy Spirit.
I think the most challenging aspect of being a wife is the deep desire to connect with your husband, constantly and his frequent indifference about it. Men just have no idea how much we long to be valued, desired, and admired by them alone. This desire sometimes feels like a curse it’s so strong. It dictates so much of what we do and say, it is at the core of so many of our frustrations.
Bless their hearts, since their desires are different, almost diametrically opposed to ours, they tend to de-prioritize connecting with us in the way we deem fit or satisfactory.
Wives here's a challenge for you, extend grace when it comes to reasoning with and addressing your areas of concern with them. Let God's love be enough. Let everything you do and everything you are come out of the overflow of loving Him.
"We love others better when we love God best."