Rejection
Sin is Sneaky
Before we got married, some good friends of ours gave us the book His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage. When you’re bright-eyed and bushy tailed, punch drunk in love, you don’t think for one moment, you will need safeguards to protect against infidelity. You are the sole object of one another’s affection. But sin is sneaky. It overtakes us often because of it’s subtlety. While you may not entertain a physical adulterous relationship, your soul may be tugged on by a litany of temptations. The heart wants what it wants. All through scripture, the implications of matters of the heart are pretty weighty. The bible doesn’t speak of the heart in a conventional sense, but in a way that likens it to the soul. Here are a few scriptures on the heart, meditate on them when you get a moment.
1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
1 Timothy 1:5 The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.
Romans 2:5 But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed.
Psalm 26:2 Prove me, O Lord, and try me; test my heart and my mind.
Romans 1:21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.
Acts 8:22 Repent, therefore, of this wickedness of yours, and pray to the Lord that, if possible, the intent of your heart may be forgiven you.
Romans 10:10 For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.
Psalm 112:7 He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 119:10 With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!
Psalm 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Acts 28:27 For this people's heart has grown dull, and with their ears they can barely hear, and their eyes they have closed; lest they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears and understand with their heart and turn, and I would heal them.’
Hebrews 10:22 Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.
2 Timothy 2:22 So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
Romans 10:9-10 Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved.
Good Heart-Keeping
The heart is the center of our being, dictating our decisions, relationships, and perspective of the world around us. The posture of our hearts is a direct reflection of our view of the Father. God is completely holy, good, and right. He cannot tempt us. The word says it is our sinful desires that tempt us and lead us astray. (James 1:13) The Lord gives us a new heart when we choose to follow him and he makes his home there. (Ephesians 3:17) Is he a welcome guest in your heart? Does he feel comfortable there? Or did you forget you had a heart transplant? Have you returned back to your folly like the dog returns to his vomit? (Proverbs 26:11) Have you gone back to the thing you have been delivered from for comfort or peace, or some shred of solace? Is there lust and greed and deceit taking up space, crowding Jesus out of his own home? Has your heart become a dwelling place for jealousy or envy or pride? Does fear kick it’s feet up and recline on the throne of your heart? Not too sure? Well here’s a great test: out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45) So what kind of words do you use to talk to your spouse? What habits have you formed as a result of the position of your heart? Everything starts there. The word says the issues of life flow from it. (Proverbs 4:23)
The Whole Reason You're Reading This
Now let’s get to the whole reason you’re reading this in the first place. As a husband or wife you’re probably waiting to read the part about being denied attention, sex, affection, respect, honor, etc. As a single you’ve probably bought into the lie of rejection only being a part of your singleness. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Within the safety of your marriage, because your spouse is not equipped to meet your every need and because more often than not, you’ve been given one with a love language completely different than yours, there will often be room for a disconnect.
You will find yourself wondering, on numerous occasions, if you made a mistake, if you married the right person. It is the Father’s heart for you, through every point of contention, every disagreement and every argument to learn more about his character. He is always wanting to reveal something new about himself to you with the hopes that you will be more aware of your great need of him.
3 Fail-Proof Steps
Here’s what that looks like practically. When your needs are not being met by your spouse you have a responsibility to do these things.
- Assess whether or not this is a need to be met by your spouse or by God
- Think about if you have been diligent in fulfilling your partner’s needs through THEIR love languages
- Bring your concerns to the Father in prayer FIRST, then to your spouse in a loving, strategic way.
These steps are paramount because most times we project negative emotions on our spouse as a result of not spending enough time with the father. Infidelity comes into a marriage the moment we stop allowing God to be everything for us and to us. The Lord should be the center of your world, intimacy with Him must be of the utmost importance. That way, whatever your spouse gives you is just icing on the cake. You don’t go into a depressive state when they don’t do things in the way you would like for them to be done. Thinking about your responsibility in any situation is a display of humility. Own your part. Give the love you would like to receive. Go overboard with lavishing your spouse with love in their respective love language. Lay it on thick. Even if they don’t receive it well, even if you don’t immediately see fruit, even if it feels awkward or unwarranted. It’s not your job to dictate what your spouse deserves. It’s your job to honor him/her. The Holy Spirit guides us into all truth. Always. Sometimes our frustrations reveal a deficit in our souls that can only be filled by God. Once you’ve identified your issue and brought it to the Father. Repent to Him and then to your spouse. Once you’ve apologized for your part, even if you don’t totally believe you’re at fault, your spouse will be much more apt to opening up and hearing your heart’s desires so the two of you can move toward common ground.
Disclaimer: You WILL Need the Lord
This is not easy. You WILL need the Lord. You must inundate yourself with the word, you must ask the Lord to examine you. Marriage doesn’t work without humility. It’s easy to be loyal to someone you know will always give you the benefit of the doubt and is always doing what they can to make sure you are taken care of. Find peace in knowing you can care for your spouse with a pure heart out of the overflow of how the Father cares for you.